As LOLvideos go, Bon Jovi’s “Always” is a pretty amazing place to start. I was reminded recently of how great this song is when it showed up while I was perusing Ross and Rachel/Friends mash-ups on youtube (you know, typical stuff; totally normal after-work activities). When I heard the song, I remembered that there was a pretty epic video to go with it (this is a definition of “epic” you’re probably not familiar with).
There’s just so much to talk about in this video, it’s hard to know where to start, so let’s make it easy for ourselves and start at the beginning, which sets the present action just above some sort of exotic marketplace. Here, one of the key elements of this video’s lolwhut-itude is revealed: the casting. Jack Noseworthy! Am I the only person who remembers Dead at 21? Anyway, they get a lot of hunky mileage out of him in this video. It just seems like he’s always shirtless HURTING. He’s got puppy dog pecs, amiright? He is such a piece of MEAT with a capital CHEST in this video, it’s shocking.
“At least I captured my pecs in these old photos.”
Jack Noseworthy is reminiscing HARD about Carla Gugino and their failed “relationship.” BTW, I love Carla Gugino. Someone please start a Fuck Yeah Carla Gugino tumblr STAT.
“I bet she was looking at me. Because I took the picture. Yeah.”
I like how the beginning of this video shows how heartbroken Jack Noseworthy is about losing his BEST GIRL, and then it is slowly (quickly?) revealed that he is a TOTAL ASSBAG. But before the assbaggery, there’s some normal, filming a sexy chair-dance couple stuff. Pretty standard. So standard, in fact, that it reminded me of this (great, now I have another soundtrack to hunt down). Look, you wanna film yourself having sex, that’s fine; I’m totally GGG, alright? But can you not look so creepy the whole time?
“Dance for me.”
Anyway, Jack Noseworthy and Carla Gugino are TOTALLY IN LOVE. I know this because they attended some sort of terrible rave together. I’m biased because I generally dislike large parties, but this looks like a PARTICULARLY HORRIBLE PARTY.
Cool party, dudes.
Also: their outfits. This whole sequence is where the “reminiscing about their great love” part loses me, because they don’t look in love so much as high on ecstasy and insufferable. You’ve got your dread locks (on BOTH of them), you’ve got your goth-circus tuxedo, and you’ve got…your Doctor Seuss hat…? Distressingly, the doctor Seuss hat appears to be worn seriously, if that makes sense? Like, “I am serious about thinking this wacky hat is cool to wear.” That’s almost worse than all the body champagne-pouring and each other-worshiping.
Cool costumes outfits.
Things get complicated when they arrive home from the monsterparty and walk right past a sleeping KERI RUSSELL. Felicity-in-your-face! And not just Felicity-Keri Russell, but like, Keri Russell with way bigger and way awesome-er hair than she was ever allowed to have on Felicity. I love it. Her hair is so big and also WHO IS SHE? “Hello, I’m the person who sleeps on your couch. You know all about it.” It’s ok that they woke her up because she’ll just watch tv a video of Gugino and Noseworthy having sex (LIVE FEED) with a look on her face that says, “Hey what’s-oh my. Well, I never…I’LL JUST LEAVE IT ON FOR A MINUTE,” but like, we know she watched the whole thing (“whole thing” = the complete sex). There are very few intermediary shades of facial expression between “shocked” and “titillated.” It’s clear where she’s at.
“Thrilling.”
So it’s obvious where this is going, but it’s just such a wonderfully “WHUH?” journey. If there’s such a thing as scenery-chewing in a music video, Jack Noseworthy has done it. That’s fine, Jack Noseworthy (IF YOU’RE READING THIS). This is a 90s Bon Jovi video, no one is mad at you. But his Emperor of Women face?
“Do 20 naked push-ups because you made eye contact, slave.”
So he begins to make another sexy live feed with Keri Russell just in time for Carla Gugino to arrive home from grocery shopping in a teddy and see it (which is hilarious because grocery shopping? These two look like they eat drugs). It’s pretty great how the grocery bag hist him right in the head. LOOKOUT BAGHEAD!
That bag was filled with like, 5 cans.
“I will cook in these shades, too.”
I guess Jack Noseworthy is remorseful, but he actually looks more, “Huh? I don’t get it.” It was HIS groovy threesome and it froke HER out, etc. But it’s cool because then CG (that’s her name now, ok? I’m tired) is like, “I’ll just find another person’s doorway to fall asleep in.” Enter Colin from 90210, sporting the same 90s longhair trend as JN (again: I’m tired). Is this video a weird gender reversal of November Rain? The similarities are (not) striking. I mean, there’s a blonde and a brunette, but this time, they’re dudes. Ok, maybe not. I mean, unlike in the video for November Rain, no one gets killed in a way that I still don’t understand (By rain? By a wedding? Does anyone know? And DON’T tell me to read the short story because no way).
I like how Colin is like, “Let’s have a champagne toast to you being here, new hot friend who also looks like she is going though heroin withdrawal.” And then he paints her? A lot? I like it. Especially when he is like, “painting will be easier when my shirt is off.” This video is like Pectoberfest.
“I want to paint and nurture you. Naked.”
Is this some interesting, new type of video, boldly inverting music video gender roles? Well, no, because then CG calls JN for some inexplicable reason, and HE sees the paintings and gets mad at HER. At that point she gets it (“it”= pecs DO lie) (or something) and leaves. But it’s cool because JN EXPLODES Colin’s studio (for revenge? It’s confusing). Then JN sees her ghost. Right? That’s what the end was? I know that wasn’t what it was, but it’s cool to remember life before green-screen so vividly.
Cool technology.
To me, the most awesomely lol thing about this video is: what did we just sit through? I feel like Bon Jovi videos are usually epic love stories, and again, this is actually pretty similar to basically all 90s Aerosmith videos (it’s surprising that it’s NOT an Asmth video), but it’s not even about love. It’s just the story of one dick thing some dick did to his girlfriend? I mean, yeah, write what you know or whatever, but is this interesting? I love thinking about how this plot idea was pitched. I bet this actually happened to the person pitching it, except in the retelling, he made himself a painter (because he was the Colin in this scenario since he is kind of the only not terrible person in all of this, though he is pretty preciously terrible and “who, me?” scantily-clad. Gross.
LOL, this video.
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